As we get older, we tend to start filtering experiences and people with a lot more fervour. Your tolerance for bullshit lessens, you examine your own intentions more rigorously, and you more or less know what you may want out of this universe.
Me? I've known from a relatively young age that I don't necessarily want to get married or procreate. If you know me, you’ll know that I love meeting new people - Tinder, Bumble, Happen, the neighbourhood bar - I’ve seen it all and it’s all led me to this exact moment. Secondly, if you know me, you’ll also know that I don’t date to get married or to reach a specific adulting milestone. If we vibe, we vibe with respect. And, we’ll take it as it comes. But, the moment you start engaging with humans to reach a specific socially accepted goal is the moment the fluidity stops. I’d rather keep on swimming and come up for air when my emotions tell me to (funny enough, I physically don’t know how to swim).
It always baffles me that it’s almost 2020, the world is in a strange state of economics, emotions and empathy, and yet we’re still judging those who live their lives differently. I was born into a family of super strong women, raised by a single mother, then raised by two unmarried aunts and a grandmother who’s lost a husband and two kids. Being surrounded by phenomenal women who choose to love themselves first has been my biggest, most favourite and treasured lesson.
I’ve seen what it’s like to be alone and I’ve experienced the fun of doing life with someone else. And, I honestly love both. But, I believe that committing to be with someone for the rest of your life has zero to do with a piece of paper, and often brings more assurity and peace of mind than anything else. It’s about making that every day choice to listen to someone’s bad jokes and to deal with their drama. But, if I choose to get married one day, then I expect the most phallic-themed bachelorette and a hip flask on my wedding day day!
Kids? I love kids, I love other people's kids and I love my fur kids. And, if I one day change my mind, I'll adopt or be that ridiculously chic aunt who turns up at the Frozen-themed parties with all the fun. Having kids is not for everyone, and we need to respect that choice without assuming that women are forced into it because of biological reasons.
“Don’t worry, I’ll pray for you.”
“It’s in God’s hands.”
“I know a great doctor!”
Despite what mainstream culture tries to teach us, there are healthy, thriving women whose greatest desire isn’t to bear their own kids. I remember the first time I casually mentioned it in a group - it was met with subdued layers of “But, why?” and “What if you have regrets?”. Friends often tell me that I’d be a good parent - I know how to take care of my emotions/finances/had imaginary mates as a kid. The precursors are there, but the desire isn’t (as yet) - and, why should one feel guilty about that?
Procreation has always been perceived as a socially accepted route to supposed happiness, fulfilment and ultimately, life. But, what if you don’t want that white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a labrador? (No, I lie - I’ll take the labrador). Don’t get me wrong, I love oohing over a baby and I 100% believe that kids bring unfiltered love to our lives. But, I love the luxury of travelling whenever I want to, spending a Sunday curled up with The Crown and nights filled with some surface noise and a paintbrush. And, if that changes at some point then I'll relish in the fact that it was my decision.
It's not selfish, it's merely a personal choice.
Tuesday, 17 December 2019
Friday, 8 November 2019
Judging me, judging you.
It’s weird how assumptions can be made about someone when there’s a definite lack of knowledge or understanding about the person. We do it all the time. We see a younger woman with an older man? Oh, he must be her sugar daddy, because why else would they be together. We see a down-and-out caucasian on a street corner pleading for a buck? Shame, look how they threw their life away. This world is made of judgement and we indulge in its perverse behaviour, simply because it’s easy.
In my case, I’ve been travelling quite a bit recently and have been sharing my journey around the world on social media. I love nothing more than challenging myself with foreign streets and new cultures - it makes me feel more alive and more radically charged than ever before. One day, a stranger who follows me on Instagram decided to pop me a text asking how I can afford to travel. “Are you a trust fund baby?”. I almost threw up a bit in my mouth from sheer shock, and found myself defending my life choices. If you know me, you’ll know that I made my world on my own. Old money is something I was never born with and I thank the universe for it every day.
During high school, I played the perfect part of an awkward teenager who wasn’t comfortable in her own skin, was mildly bullied and became more comfortable with staying under the radar. The person I am now VS then? Complete oxymoron. At 20, my mom passed away from an aggressive cancer that lasted only 5 months from diagnosis to death. I’m an only child, so naturally it hit me like a dirty hangover coupled with a ton of bricks. Watching a parent fight for their life at such a young age seemed almost unnatural, yet also left me with a new sense of perspective on life. I was always so scared of turning into my mother, but the truth is that I’m utterly grateful for it - I have her ability to laugh at herself and her zero tolerance for BS. Most importantly, she taught me to live with pure intent.
Life gave me the opportunity to live loudly, and I decided to make a song and dance out of it. I studied my arse off, “hustled” at internships (with the support of my family) and took every I chance I got to prove to myself that I was more than my circumstances. At 18, I had never been on a plane and one day read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, which was based on the law of attraction. I created a vision board, with a picture of a plane, luggage, a watch and a girl dancing with complete fervour. This was the life I attracted through a seemingly impossible belief in what I deserved and what I already had. Abundance is everywhere and it’s our everyday choices, energy and frame of mind which dictate how we attract it.
If I travel, it’s because I earned it. If I eat at a nice restaurant, it’s because I deserve to. If I decide to take a mental break from my social life, it’s because I need to. I choose to design my life every single day, and I’m damn proud of it. At 30, I’m funemployed (until January), unmarried and completely immersed in the freedom that I have. And, if you choose to judge that, then have a good show.
In my case, I’ve been travelling quite a bit recently and have been sharing my journey around the world on social media. I love nothing more than challenging myself with foreign streets and new cultures - it makes me feel more alive and more radically charged than ever before. One day, a stranger who follows me on Instagram decided to pop me a text asking how I can afford to travel. “Are you a trust fund baby?”. I almost threw up a bit in my mouth from sheer shock, and found myself defending my life choices. If you know me, you’ll know that I made my world on my own. Old money is something I was never born with and I thank the universe for it every day.
During high school, I played the perfect part of an awkward teenager who wasn’t comfortable in her own skin, was mildly bullied and became more comfortable with staying under the radar. The person I am now VS then? Complete oxymoron. At 20, my mom passed away from an aggressive cancer that lasted only 5 months from diagnosis to death. I’m an only child, so naturally it hit me like a dirty hangover coupled with a ton of bricks. Watching a parent fight for their life at such a young age seemed almost unnatural, yet also left me with a new sense of perspective on life. I was always so scared of turning into my mother, but the truth is that I’m utterly grateful for it - I have her ability to laugh at herself and her zero tolerance for BS. Most importantly, she taught me to live with pure intent.
Life gave me the opportunity to live loudly, and I decided to make a song and dance out of it. I studied my arse off, “hustled” at internships (with the support of my family) and took every I chance I got to prove to myself that I was more than my circumstances. At 18, I had never been on a plane and one day read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, which was based on the law of attraction. I created a vision board, with a picture of a plane, luggage, a watch and a girl dancing with complete fervour. This was the life I attracted through a seemingly impossible belief in what I deserved and what I already had. Abundance is everywhere and it’s our everyday choices, energy and frame of mind which dictate how we attract it.
If I travel, it’s because I earned it. If I eat at a nice restaurant, it’s because I deserve to. If I decide to take a mental break from my social life, it’s because I need to. I choose to design my life every single day, and I’m damn proud of it. At 30, I’m funemployed (until January), unmarried and completely immersed in the freedom that I have. And, if you choose to judge that, then have a good show.
Saturday, 3 August 2019
30, flirty and thriving.
I’m turning 30 tomorrow and my life has legit been a treat and a half. Full of mind fcuks and inarticulate surprises. Love and learning. A bit of a wildly choreographed dance that gets me going - life could thrown me lemons, I'll add some tequila and turn it into fun. The past - in all its nostalgia and growth - has always given me more momentum than any Deepak Chopra quote could. I choose to deal with any challenge the only way I know how to - eating, praying, loving and indulging in a glass half full (with all the wine!).
What I know so far?
1. We're stronger than we think we are. Often when shitty things happen, our initial reaction is to freak out, crumble for a moment and then find our way back to ourselves. I've lost a parent, a lover, a job and more. These are essential processes for life - I'm no self-help guru, but I honestly believe that difficult situations facilitate an expansion of sorts. You pull out some sort of drug-inducing strength, lean on the self-love and realise you're resilient as fcuk. It's not as easy as that - I know - but, in hindsight the TLDR is that we have the capacity for more than we think we can handle.
2. Cooking and playing around with ingredients is pretty much the only time that my anxiety is (nearly) non-existent. It’s strange how submerging yourself in a kitchen stocked with cheese, bread, wine, spices, fresh vegetables and pretty much every condiment under the sun can calm me down to a core. Find something you love that doesn’t involve your 9-5, click into still mode, absorb the energy of a self-indulgent hobby and just let go! Playing outside the lines can be oh-so-rewarding.
3. There will always be bad people with shitty intentions in the world. No matter how great you are as an individual, you can’t stop karma or some greater purpose from happening. It’s no indicator on your worthiness in this world, but it reminds us that not all people are created the same. Some of us find it easier to escape into the grime of these streets and that’s a bigger lesson for them in the end. My take? Never stop trusting, never stop learning from the bad and remember that everything - the cheating ex’s, the bad haircuts and that stranger you met at the bar - happens for a reason.
What I know so far?
1. We're stronger than we think we are. Often when shitty things happen, our initial reaction is to freak out, crumble for a moment and then find our way back to ourselves. I've lost a parent, a lover, a job and more. These are essential processes for life - I'm no self-help guru, but I honestly believe that difficult situations facilitate an expansion of sorts. You pull out some sort of drug-inducing strength, lean on the self-love and realise you're resilient as fcuk. It's not as easy as that - I know - but, in hindsight the TLDR is that we have the capacity for more than we think we can handle.
2. Cooking and playing around with ingredients is pretty much the only time that my anxiety is (nearly) non-existent. It’s strange how submerging yourself in a kitchen stocked with cheese, bread, wine, spices, fresh vegetables and pretty much every condiment under the sun can calm me down to a core. Find something you love that doesn’t involve your 9-5, click into still mode, absorb the energy of a self-indulgent hobby and just let go! Playing outside the lines can be oh-so-rewarding.
3. There will always be bad people with shitty intentions in the world. No matter how great you are as an individual, you can’t stop karma or some greater purpose from happening. It’s no indicator on your worthiness in this world, but it reminds us that not all people are created the same. Some of us find it easier to escape into the grime of these streets and that’s a bigger lesson for them in the end. My take? Never stop trusting, never stop learning from the bad and remember that everything - the cheating ex’s, the bad haircuts and that stranger you met at the bar - happens for a reason.
4. The subtle art of not giving a fuck is an actual thing. Don’t spend your time wondering if you offended someone by not inviting them to your cat’s birthday soiree or if they’re mad at you for choosing to stay in on a Friday night. Our time is precious AF and it’s yours to honour. As I’ve started ageing, I’ve slowly started to stop worrying about pleasing acquaintances or going to that party that I don’t actually care about. Friday night after a long week? Fcuk it, I’m hibernating with a glass of wine and The Crown on repeat. The Sunday before adulting kicks in? I’ve committed to spending every Sunday by myself with myself. It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to at the all-you-can-drink cocktail station the night before, but it gives me a bit more balance in the everyday madness.
5. Wash that makeup off, drink more water and don’t take your hips for granted. I’m ashamed to say that I used to go to bed plastered in overpriced facial layers and I’ve got the indentations to prove it. Your body is only as kind to you as you are to him/her/shim - look after it from the inside, nurture those bones and stretch!
6. If you feel that you're repeatedly going through the same shit, it's probably time to ask yourself "what's the lesson I'm meant to learn here"? There's something bigger hidden behind every bad breakup, wrong turn and haircut gone bad - and, it’s your personal responsibility to find the sparkle in all of it. Locate the emotion, learn the lesson and let it go.
7. Everyone needs to travel solo at least once before turning 30. Yes, I know that this one is on every damn chicken soup for the soul checklist, but it’s a legit game changer. You get to immerse yourself in the things that truly get you going, you’re forced to find comfort in your own company and the plus side is that you get to eat a pizza by yourself while people-watching from a sidewalk. Give me more.
8. Your mind really is your best/worst friend. I recently reminded myself that I'm solely responsible for my energy - we give out what we want to get back. Respect your inner thoughts and give it the chance to manifest into something that makes your light grow even bigger.
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