As we get older, we tend to start filtering experiences and people with a lot more fervour. Your tolerance for bullshit lessens, you examine your own intentions more rigorously, and you more or less know what you may want out of this universe.
Me? I've known from a relatively young age that I don't necessarily want to get married or procreate. If you know me, you’ll know that I love meeting new people - Tinder, Bumble, Happen, the neighbourhood bar - I’ve seen it all and it’s all led me to this exact moment. Secondly, if you know me, you’ll also know that I don’t date to get married or to reach a specific adulting milestone. If we vibe, we vibe with respect. And, we’ll take it as it comes. But, the moment you start engaging with humans to reach a specific socially accepted goal is the moment the fluidity stops. I’d rather keep on swimming and come up for air when my emotions tell me to (funny enough, I physically don’t know how to swim).
It always baffles me that it’s almost 2020, the world is in a strange state of economics, emotions and empathy, and yet we’re still judging those who live their lives differently. I was born into a family of super strong women, raised by a single mother, then raised by two unmarried aunts and a grandmother who’s lost a husband and two kids. Being surrounded by phenomenal women who choose to love themselves first has been my biggest, most favourite and treasured lesson.
I’ve seen what it’s like to be alone and I’ve experienced the fun of doing life with someone else. And, I honestly love both. But, I believe that committing to be with someone for the rest of your life has zero to do with a piece of paper, and often brings more assurity and peace of mind than anything else. It’s about making that every day choice to listen to someone’s bad jokes and to deal with their drama. But, if I choose to get married one day, then I expect the most phallic-themed bachelorette and a hip flask on my wedding day day!
Kids? I love kids, I love other people's kids and I love my fur kids. And, if I one day change my mind, I'll adopt or be that ridiculously chic aunt who turns up at the Frozen-themed parties with all the fun. Having kids is not for everyone, and we need to respect that choice without assuming that women are forced into it because of biological reasons.
“Don’t worry, I’ll pray for you.”
“It’s in God’s hands.”
“I know a great doctor!”
Despite what mainstream culture tries to teach us, there are healthy, thriving women whose greatest desire isn’t to bear their own kids. I remember the first time I casually mentioned it in a group - it was met with subdued layers of “But, why?” and “What if you have regrets?”. Friends often tell me that I’d be a good parent - I know how to take care of my emotions/finances/had imaginary mates as a kid. The precursors are there, but the desire isn’t (as yet) - and, why should one feel guilty about that?
Procreation has always been perceived as a socially accepted route to supposed happiness, fulfilment and ultimately, life. But, what if you don’t want that white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a labrador? (No, I lie - I’ll take the labrador). Don’t get me wrong, I love oohing over a baby and I 100% believe that kids bring unfiltered love to our lives. But, I love the luxury of travelling whenever I want to, spending a Sunday curled up with The Crown and nights filled with some surface noise and a paintbrush. And, if that changes at some point then I'll relish in the fact that it was my decision.
It's not selfish, it's merely a personal choice.
