I've been single for most of my 25 years.
People often find it surprising that I seemingly have my shit together, am not
a complete weirdo, and yet, I have never really indulged in the whole
'lets-watch-The-Notebook-every-Friday-night' club.
Sure, I've had flings. I've had the pleasure of getting to know a few boys over a
glass of Merlot, and impending rose-tinted sunglasses. I've even had my
cardiovascular system malfunction over unrequited lust.
The truth is that I've never really known myself
enough to know someone else. Until recently. They say that love is about
recognising yourself in another soul, right? But, how do you engage in some sort of
intimacy with another human being, when you feel completely disconnected with
yourself?
This year has been one of the most stressful,
aggravating and exhausting years of my life, and yet it has also been one of
the most beautiful, honest & life-altering ones.
Pain really is the best
medicine when it comes to changing the way we interpret the world, and the way
we see ourselves. A few months ago, I came to the realisation that my life had
to radically change, if I was ever to be the free-spirited soul, that my body desperately craved.
I decided to take a breather from "real
life", resigned from my job, went home to Durban, and resolved to channel
all my energy into uncovering the layers of my mixed-up mind. It was probably
the best decision of my life. Screw the "quarter life crisis"
stereotype of a lost soul, covered in mounds of insecurity and misplaced emotions -
25 has been the year of falling in love with ME, discovering who I am, and
knocking down a few walls.
A few years ago, I was more concerned with how
many friends I had, if people liked me, and what I looked like. Now? I relish
in saying "no" to people, have a close-knit group of
friends-turned-family, and I don't really care whether you think I'm pretty
enough.
I'm more interested in whether I like ME, if I'm happy at 2am when I'm alone in bed, and whether I'm living my life with an
unapologetic sigh of passion. Life. It changes who you are, who you thought you were, and who you'd like to be.
At 25, I love my so-called "quarter life
crises" in all its unsettling emotion.
I've started to play with my
demons, purged my life of those who don't belong in it, and I may even be ready
to watch The Notebook on a Friday night.
25 is an opportunity to get to know yourself.
Do it. I dare you.
Great piece of writing. It really hit home for me since I went through a lot of the same things you mention.
ReplyDeleteI also have been single for most of my life, I think my first relationship was only at 23. I met a ton of people/girls in my early 20's and dated two of them. Nice girls, one turned out to just be a goldigger and the other wasn't an actual relationship, more like friends with benefits, then she started doing drugs and I left cos I'm not into that kinda stuff.
After that, there were about four girls that liked me and asked me out, to which I said no. I'm not the type to date a girl for the sake of it or just cos she asked me out. I know what I like in a girl and it's not exactly the normal, good type. Which is fine. I'd rather be single than pretend to be in love with somebody or use her and then just leave her and hurt her cos I didn't feel anything for her.
Some people you just click with and two of you almost instantly get along like a house on fire. Others I found you can't always be 100% yourself around, and you have to sort of tone down who you really are. I don't like that. Seriously, if I want to say, 'When you keep jellytots in your mouth for a while and all the sugar dissolves, they remind me of little nipples'. I want to be able to say that. We don't go 'discovering' ourselves just to pretend to be something else. And like you, I only keep a select few people in my life. With them, I'm completely me.
I've been single for about four or five years (I'm 28 now). It sucked for a very,very......very long time. I got a job in Salt Rock, (just pass Ballito) and I moved there. It was possibly the loneliest time of my life. I didn't know anyone there. I only have a few friends, my bff lives in Joburg (yes I call her my bff haha) and quite a few of my friends fell pregnant young and got married and they moved on with their lives. I was absolutely miserable.
Last year I resigned and got a job in Durban North and I moved to Umhlanga. I was the best thing I could do. I'm really so much happier now.
I spend time with my family(dogs included) and I enjoy doing creative work; drawing, designing, animation, making online games. And I'm also huge into photography as a hobby and also making short videos and stuff.
You don't need 100 likes on your profile pic or 300 twitter followers to be happy or to feel good. We're all capable of doing it on our own. Don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want somebody I'm totally flipping crazy about but that's not the end all and be all of life. Freedom and being able to do anything you want, whenever you want is pretty damn sweet too.